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Psychology

5 “languages of anger” that prevent you from getting closer to your partner

Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, has become a bestseller. It is often studied by couples who want to find the secret of eternal happiness. The author’s main idea is that everyone in a relationship has a basic way of expressing feelings and that partners need to exercise their will and learn to communicate “in each other’s love language” in order to find harmony.

Indeed, many couples in love often suffer precisely because they speak different “languages.” Knowing what the other person wants and needs is important for a relationship. However, as with learning any foreign language, it takes a long time to establish communication. The problem may be that the “language of love” of the partner is sometimes drowned out by the “language of anger” – angry tirades, harsh remarks and indignant shouts that turn into a cacophony of pain and rejection.

What are “angry tongues”?
The author of the idea, psychologist and writer Mike Verano identifies five kinds:

Righteous: “The truth is on my side and you’re wrong.” People who choose this language are driven by a sense of superiority, and any conflict with them quickly turns into listing all of their partner’s past mistakes and transgressions.

Indignant: “How could you?” Often this phrase is uttered with some bewilderment designed to soften it, but the implication is always the same – the “victim” does not deserve such treatment. It’s a classic “arrow-switching” scheme that forces both sides to defend themselves.

Demanding retribution: “You’ll pay for everything!” People who use this language never forget or forgive anything and follow the “an eye for an eye” rule. And they can go a long time without acting because “revenge is a dish that is served cold.”

A distraction: “What about a situation where…?” Speakers of this language artfully shift the attention of their interlocutor to avoid taking responsibility for their words and actions and to make them defensive. It’s like sneaking cookies out of someone else’s box and then getting mad that they’re stale.

 

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